


you're dead alive

by aeonian_love



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Apocalypse, Character Death, Established Relationship, Feels, Freeform, M/M, Mild Gore, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Violence, Modern Era, Some Fluff, Survival, Survival Horror, Zombie Apocalypse, erejean - Freeform, i guess, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 12:36:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7171463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeonian_love/pseuds/aeonian_love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren gets bitten by a zombie due to some unwise choices. He doesn't want Jean to find out, but ultimately, Jean figures out that something's obviously wrong with his boyfriend. </p><p>They share their last moments together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're dead alive

**Author's Note:**

> also known as 'why do I write things and make myself cry.'
> 
> the title is from anthem of the angels by breaking benjamin, which I listened to while writing this

Eren didn't know exactly why and where he went wrong, until after he felt teeth sinking into his flesh. He was supposed to be ‘experienced’, he'd been doing this for years – well, ever since the virus spread in his senior year of highschool, and his entire life was changed by some shitty ass zombie apocalypse, at least, that's what the news called it. He was so skilled at handling a knife, he didn't even have to look twice before killing a zombie – stabbing it spot on between its stupid, blank eyes. Watching it fall backwards with one last, idiotic groan.. Extending its partially decomposed hand one last time. Eren could take on a small horde by himself, with only one weapon, and that was his trusty knife. The knife Jean Kirschtein, his boyfriend of nearly three years, had given him – well, rather, forced him to accept – when Eren began his new night shift job during his freshman year of college.

It wasn't really a suspicious place; the only thing troubling was the fact that it was a 24 hour convenience store located deep within the center of the city. Jean, however, was one to be exceptionally paranoid and somewhat overprotective of what was his, so he'd made Eren carry around that stupid old knife, despite Eren's protests that nobody was going to kill him or kidnap him, no nonsense like that. In the end, Eren proved to be right. He didn't have to use the knife on anybody. The only slightly dangerous situation he was put in consisted of dealing with a drunk customer. On the other hand, the blade did prove to serve as a nice box cutter – at least, better than the cheap, rusted box cutters the convenience store had an on-hand supply of.

Eren remembered how he first became aware of the apocalypse. Jean had left their dorm, going on a late night snack run to celebrate the end of their exam week. Half an hour later, Eren opened up the door to rapid, loud banging and was greeted by the sight of Jean, sweating and panting, covered in blood that ultimately proved to be somebody else's. 

“What.. Jean, the hell happened?” Eren had asked, quickly rushing Jean in and bringing him a change of clothes once he realized that Jean didn't have any physical wounds. He'd knelt down by his boyfriend, gently rubbing Jean's shoulder.

“T-they're.. They're everywhere.”

Just like that, _it_ had begun. Every news channel, radio station, everything you could possibly name, was broadcasting the global terror. Eren, regardless, stuck with Jean through thick and thin, just like how they'd promised each other on their first anniversary. They didn't join any other groups, for fear of distrust and betrayal, but they still did perfectly fine as a kickass duo. Of course, they had a couple of close encounters here and there, but both of them always managed to kick death right in its face, literally, the decaying zombies – at least, until presently. 

Presently, Eren was slumped against the door of the first house he stumbled upon in an deserted neighborhood. He cradled his injured arm to his chest, marked with a fresh bite mark, already swollen around the edges and gushing out crimson red blood. He didn't feel the pain at first, the adrenalin and pure fear rushing through his body preventing him from doing so. It happened amidst one of the biggest hordes Eren ever faced. Jean wasn't there to aid him. He was out on a food run, and Eren was charged with the task of finding new weaponry. Jean hated splitting up, but Eren convinced him that it was necessary to get things done faster. In the end, they'd meet up by nightfall at their designated camp.

Looking back on it, Eren slowly realized his faults. He should've ran as fast as he could, sought after some shelter, instead of thinking he could take on the exceptionally large horde by himself, with a knife. His pride, once again, ruined him, but this time, it would lead to his ultimate demise. Sometime in the middle of the fight, he must've lifted his arm or something, maybe panicked and tried to defend himself. Bad fucking idea, of course. One of those rotting fuckers grabbed his arm, and took a chomp on it. Eren ran after that, only grateful that he hadn't lost the entire limb.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck..” Eren hissed, racing around the entire house to find something to stop the bleeding. With his luck, there wasn't gauze, but he did find a roll of toilet paper and some tape. He wrapped the shitty paper ( _literally_ ) around his wound at least fifty times before it was able to hold somewhat, and then taped the thing on. Blood continued slowly seeping through, staining the blank white a nasty red, but that was the least of Eren's issues. 

After rummaging through a few drawers in the bathroom, he found a large bottle of painkillers. Expired, nonetheless, but they would do. Eren grabbed a handful of at least five pills and swallowed them down with what remaining water he had left, sitting down on the bathroom floor afterwards. He stared at the bottle, contemplating just taking the entire thing and dying of liver damage or some shit. He didn't want Jean to know what happened. Eren couldn't bare to face Jean now, and see the look of devastation in his eyes. If he died here, at least it would be without warning, and Jean probably wouldn't find him anyway.

Jean could jump to conclusions and assume that Eren ran away, broke up with him to join a different group or something. No doubt, that was easier to cope with than having to shoot your boyfriend yourself, right in front of your own fucking eyes. 

“Fucking should've just let the zombie rip my damn head off.” Eren bit his lip, waiting for the painkillers to kick in. However, the pain he was experiencing now was far worse than the pain Jean would have to experience, that is, if Eren went back to their camp. 

The thing was, Eren was conflicted. He didn't want Jean to suffer from his stupidity, but he also didn't want to die alone. He _wanted_ to be with Jean during his last few moments; wanted his occasional jerk of a boyfriend to hold him in his arms and comfort him. Maybe this was a little selfish of him, but Eren never did recover from what his mother went through. She was shot by some asshole – they never found who – and left to bleed to death on her own, all of which had happened while Eren was at school and his father was at work. If only they'd gotten the news earlier, Eren would've been with her, and Grisha would've too, no doubt about it. 

“Okay, this is no time to get emotional. I still have a few hours before it.. Kicks in.” Eren muttered to himself, a childhood habit he'd retained of talking to himself whenever he was distressed. He hauled himself up, tightly pulling his jacket around himself. The jacket, a dark shade of blue, managed to hide the wound and the bloodstains effectively. Maybe he could go back to Jean. He'd stay with him for a while, and then run away while Jean was sleeping. He'd always been a deep sleeper. 

Eren walked out into the hallway of the home, stooping down to pick up his bag he'd carelessly tossed onto the floor. Tucked into a small pocket was a picture he had of himself and Jean sharing a kiss by the boardwalk, on their anniversary date. It was taken by Sasha, their paparazzi, the token third wheel friend, and their number one fan. Eren bit back a smile, wondering where she was now. Probably still going strong. After all, Sasha was one of the strongest women Eren knew, besides his own mother. 

He tucked the picture back into his bag. It was one of the important things Eren took with him from his dorm, and the only nice, proper picture he had with Jean. They both weren't very photogenic. 

Eren left the house, gently pushing the door closed behind him. He caught a glimpse of the promise ring Jean gave him, the diamond shimmering in the glow of the setting sun. The brunette, this time, was unable to hold back his goofy smile. Jean wasn't good with words, so the only thing he said was ‘I'm going to marry you someday, Eren Jaeger. Don't forget that. I don't care what your dad thinks, I'm marrying your dorky ass. We're going to have two kids, hopefully twins, and live in some nice apartment out in the city. I promise you, Eren, I will grow old with you by my side. I love you so much.’

Eren took a deep, shaky breath, his eyes becoming teary. _I'm sorry, babe, I couldn't keep my end of the promise._ He slung the bag over his shoulder with his uninjured arm, and then began trudging towards the direction of their camp. Fortunately, Eren only ran into a few, solitary zombies along the way. Even with one functioning arm, he successfully took them out. When he finally arrived at the small clearing in the woods, Jean was already there, pitching their tent. 

“Shit, Eren, don't sneak up on me like that,” Jean chuckled, gesturing towards a bag he set next to the tent. “I got lucky this time. There's probably enough food in there to last us a good month or two.”

“I couldn't find any weapons.. Sorry,” Eren said, rubbing the back of his neck. He sat down in the opening of the tent, crossing his legs. He watched Jean, noting the familiar curve of Jean's lips as he smiled, the little twitch he had in his eye whenever he was excited, or happy. 

“Hey, don't worry about it. I'm just glad you made it back safe and sound.” The blond got to work on lighting a fire with some sticks he found. “Are you hungry? I'm going to heat up some soup.” He lifted up two cans of soup, showing them to Eren before opening and pouring their contents into a rusty pot.

Truth be told, Eren wasn't hungry at all, even though he didn't eat anything the whole day. He seemingly lost his entire appetite, and was actually quite nauseous, but that must've been the side effect of the bite. “Yeah, I am.” He lied, wanting to keep up an act of being alright. Eren just wanted things to be normal, but if that couldn't happen, at least he could make Jean believe for the time being that everything was normal. 

“Alright, here we go..” Jean held the pot over the small fire, swishing around the soup for a few moments before deeming it acceptable. “Two servings of.. Whatever liquid shit this is, prepared by Chef Kirschtein.” He smirked, pouring the soup evenly back into the two cans and handing one to Eren.

“Jean, you're disgusting. How can you expect me to drink this when you're calling it liquid shit?” Eren playfully rolled his eyes, taking the soup and blowing on it, holding it with both hands. He took a sip when it was cooled enough, resisted the urge to vomit, and took another sip. 

Jean, on the other hand, finished his in one big gulp, tossing it off to the side afterwards. He sighed, sitting next to Eren. “So, what are our plans for tomorrow?”

 _There isn't going to be a tomorrow, Jean.. At least, not for me._ Eren anxiously chewed on his lower lip, forcing himself to down his can of soup too. “Um.. Keep on walking? Maybe we can stumble upon a nice house or something. Somewhere we can stay for a while.” He leaned his head against Jean's shoulder, closing his eyes. 

“Sounds good to me.” Jean hummed, wrapping an arm around Eren – fortunately, the pain meds had kicked in by then, so Eren didn't feel enough pain to cringe – and kissed the top of his head. “Babe, you wanna get some rest? I can keep watch.”

“No!” Eren mentally cursed himself for calling out. “I mean.. no, not yet. I just want to stay in the tent with you for a while.” He gently laid down and pulled Jean down with him, leaving trails of feverish kisses on Jean's jawline. 

“Oh, alright.” Jean reached up, caressing his boyfriend's cheek. He rubbed some dirt off with his thumb before leaning in, pressing his lips against Eren's.

Eren savored every touch he received from Jean. He ran his hands gently down Jean's sides as he kissed back, the very last intimate moments they would share. “I love you,” Eren whispered, closing his eyes and parting his lips. “So much.”

“Love you too.. Always and forever.” Jean smiled against Eren's lips, soft and awaiting. He slid his tongue inside, hand on the back of Eren's head, running his fingers through soft, brown locks. Jean pushed himself forward, closing the remaining distance between their bodies. He could feel Eren's warmth, even more so when he gently rutted his hips into the brunette's, desperate for more contact. 

“Mm.. B-babe,” A soft moan escaped Eren's lips. Jean knew exactly how to work his tongue, hitting all of his sweet spots. Eren rolled his hips back against the blond's, their lower bodies moving in perfect rhythm. 

Jean pulled back from the kiss momentarily, extending a hand out towards Eren's jacket. He reached for the zipper, with the intention of removing the article of clothing in his way. 

“Wait, Jean, stop.” Eren almost immediately pulled away, grabbing Jean's hand in a soft, restraining manner. He didn't want Jean to see his wound. The blood had no doubt soaked past the layers of weak toilet paper now.

“'Something wrong?” The other male asked, respecting Eren anyway and pulling his hand back, sitting up and squinting through the darkness at the brunette. 

“It's nothing.. I just, I'm not feeling it right now.” Eren replied, pulling Jean back down once again. “I kind of just want to cuddle and talk.” He added, burying his face in Jean's chest. Even though they were both dirty, Eren still recognized Jean's familiar scent – a blend of soft vanilla and pine aftershave. 

“Alright, Eren.. So, you want some good old romance tonight.” Jean chuckled, hands gently rubbing at Eren's hips. He didn't find his boyfriend's behavior strange at all; in fact, Jean had those moods too. Those moods where he just wanted to lay in the dark with Eren, nothing more. 

“Yeah, that.. Anyway, you remembered what you promised me when you gave me the ring?” 

“Mhm. Marriage, two kids, and a nice apartment, right?” 

“Well.. The kids. What would you name them?” Eren asked, feeling a sudden chill run through his body. This must be the start of it – the trademark fever. He gulped, clutching Jean's shirt tightly – as if trying to keep him there, next to him, forever. Funny, because he was the one ‘leaving’ soon, not Jean.

“Hm.. I dunno. If they're girl and boy, Elizabeth and Tristan. Boy and boy, Tristan and Damien. Girl and girl, Elizabeth and Rose.. Or, maybe we could name a girl after your mother.”

”Oh, Elizabeth sounds beautiful.. And I'm sure my mother would love that.” Eren smiled. If they had two little girls, Elizabeth and Carla would be amazing names. 

“But, Eren.. What if they don't find the cure? I mean, they've been claiming that they have it, but I'm not so sure..” Jean bit his lip. He hated to be the negative one, but if the apocalypse didn't end, they couldn't have their happy future. 

“Oh, shush. I'm sure this will all blow over eventually.” 

Silence followed, before Eren wet his lips and spoke up again. 

“Where are we going for our honeymoon?” He traced a finger over Jean's chest through his shirt, having memorized most of Jean's body – the curves, the muscles, everything – within the two years they've been together. 

“Wow, someone's thinking big, huh? Haven't even gotten to marriage yet.” Jean chuckled, although he was trying to be as quiet as possible. He didn't want to disturb the peaceful tranquility that they were sharing. “Well.. I know how you've always wanted to visit Germany, so we're definitely going there. I know nothing about foreign countries, though, so you're gonna have to help me out there, with that little bit of German ancestry in you.” Jean poked the tip of Eren's cute little button nose.

“Jean, you know I can't speak a bit of German. I never bothered to learn when mom tried to teach me.” Eren kissed Jean's strong, chiseled jawline. He was beginning to get the chills more consecutively, now, and the area where the bite mark was felt unusually warm. Ignoring the sensation, Eren pushed on. “I really want to spend the rest of my life with you, you know..” He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Well, babe, you are. I mean, that's what promise rings are for. Who said we aren't going to be old men together?” Jean twirled a longer strand of Eren's hair around his finger. “We're going to sit in the retirement home and make fun of teenagers, play bingo, whatever old people do.” Jean placed a chaste kiss on the brunette's lips. “And after all these years, you're still going to be beautiful to me, baby, with those bright, ocean eyes of yours.” 

Eren looked at Jean, his vision blurred with tears threatening to fall at any moment. “Jean.. I'm.. I just,” He choked out, fists turning white from how harshly he was grasping onto his boyfriend. “I –”

“Eren.” Jean gently grasped Eren's chin with two fingers, tilting his head up to face him. “What's wrong? This isn't like you. I mean, the sappy part, maybe, but never the crying.” He wiped Eren's eyes, frowning. The only time he'd seen Eren cry was when he was still getting over his mother's death. He wouldn't cry about something like their supposed future plans. 

“N-nothing.” Eren sniffled, averting his gaze. 

“No, there must be something wrong.” Jean scanned Eren's body, giving him a quick look over. “What is it? What made you want to talk about our future all of a sudden?”

“Jean, it's really nothing. Stop pushing.” 

“‘Stop pushing?’ What do you mean? I'm your boyfriend, dammit, I think I deserve to know what's going on with you.” 

“Okay.. I understand that, but what I'm trying to say is, I'm fine. Absolutely nothing is going on with me.” Eren sucked in a deep breath, able to feel himself growing weaker by the minute. The throbbing pain in his arm was coming back, and he felt like his entire body was on fire. _I'd always imagined dying to be cold and numb.. you know, slowly losing feeling and fading into darkness, like how they show it in the movies. Never like this.. But then again, I guess this isn't necessarily considered death._

A pause from Jean – and then his eyes widened. Grew to the size of globes. “Take your jacket off.”

Eren froze. Instinctively, he clutched his injured arm, despite the sharp burst of pain that resulted. “Why?”

“No questions. Just do it.”

“No.”

“Eren, take it off.”

The brunette shook his head, terrified.

“Fine. If you won't, then I will.” Jean grabbed Eren's wrists, pinning them off to the side with one hand. With the other, he unzipped Eren's jacket and slid it off. 

Eren, honestly, didn't even have the strength in him to fight it anymore. Part of him wanted to die and end the suffering, the other part begged for a few more quiet moments with his boyfriend before he had to go. He laid back, allowing Jean to do whatever. He was putty under Jean's hands.

“..The fuck is this?” Jean growled, pointing to the bloodstained, makeshift bandage wrapped around Eren's bicep. “Baby, what is this?” He softened his tone, expression filled with worry. 

“It's – ”

Jean, impatient and scared as he was, removed the tape before Eren could answer, and carefully unwrapped the toilet paper. “Shit, shit, shit.. Eren, fuck. No..” Jean's hands fell limply at his side. “How.. Why didn't you tell me earlier?” He stumbled over his words, tears spilling out over his eyes, falling down his dirt-streaked cheeks. No wonder. No wonder Eren suddenly decided to talk about their future. He knew they wouldn't have one, so he wanted to imagine it – to somewhat live it, before he turned. 

Eren didn't bother holding back this time. He let out a choked sob, allowing the tears to fall freely whilst pulling his arm back from Jean's view. “I-I'm sorry, Jean, it.. It wouldn't have mattered, anyway. There's no way to stop it.” 

“Eren.. You're a fucking asshole, you know that? You've always been. And now, you're going to just leave me like this? On my own?” Jean bit his lip, hard, the metallic taste of his own blood entering his mouth. He wanted to stay strong; strong for Eren, but he knew he couldn't. “I can't, Eren.. I can't carry on in this fucked up world without you.”

Eren coughed into his clenched fist. “Jean, you can. I know you can. Live.. Live for me, alright?” He said, throat scratchy. He curled up against Jean's chest, tears staining the blond's shirt. “Just.. Hold me.” Eren breathed, eyes fluttering shut. 

Jean complied, his strong arms snaking around Eren's entire body. The brunette curled up into Jean's hold, his sobs quieting down. He was becoming too weak to even cry anymore, and the only things he could muster were a couple of helpless sniffles. 

“Jean, I'm scared,” He whispered; the second time he'd ever shown weakness to his boyfriend. The first was after his mother's death, and Eren remembered that day clearly. Jean held him into the night, just like he was doing so now, and whispered comforting words into his ear. It felt all too familiar, expect this time, Eren was the one departing the earth. 

“Eren, baby, I-I am too. It's okay. I love you so much.” Jean sat up, hand on the back of Eren's head. He kissed the brunette's lips – which weren't beginning to feel much like his lips anymore. They were surprisingly cold, compared to the rest of his body. Despite that, Jean kept at it – kissed Eren's lips countless times, wanted his boyfriend to feel loved, safe, even. 

“I'm sorry, Jean.. I couldn't keep the promise.” Eren reached down, lazily grabbing at Jean's hand. He intertwined their fingers, giving the other's hand a squeeze. If anything, focusing on Jean, the outline of his body in the dark, his light, amber eyes, took Eren's mind away from the pain. 

“Don't. Don't you dare apologize, Eren. This isn't your fault. None of this is.” Jean leaned forward, pushing some of Eren's hair out of his face. All of this felt so surreal to Jean. Perhaps he was foolish, so damn foolish to think that they could've lasted forever. Of course, something had to get in the way of their happily ever after. “Hold on,” He murmured, looking down at their hands and sliding the ring from Eren's finger. 

“Since I won't get the chance later..” Jean inhaled a deep, shaky breath. “Will you marry me, Eren Jaeger?” He forced a smile, bringing Eren's hands up to his mouth and gently brushing his lips against Eren's knuckles. 

Eren slowly opened his eyes again, feeling his line of sight grow somewhat hazy. He forced himself to focus his gaze on the blond in front of him, on the ring he was holding in his palm. “Yes, Jean, oh yes..” He sat up with what remaining strength and will he had in his body, throwing his arms around Jean's neck and giving him a passionate, open mouthed kiss. “Of course I'll marry you.” He felt sudden wetness on his cheeks, confused as to whether it was his own or Jean's. He pulled away after a few seconds, extending his hand out and allowing Jean to slide the ring back on. 

“Eren Kirschtein.. Mr. Jean and Eren Kirschtein. I like it.” Jean's smile was no longer forced. It was real as he gazed lovingly at his husband through teary eyes. He didn't know how he would do about being on his own. He would miss Eren's snide remarks, his sometimes funny jokes, his sarcastic comments despite the fact that the world was falling down around them. He would miss Eren's beautiful eyes, the laughter lines underneath them, the way they would shine in the dark. Now, they were darkening. Beginning to glaze over. However, most of all, Jean would miss _Eren._ His Eren, his very first and last love. The only one to have brightened up his days, the one who gave him the will to keep on going when he wanted to just give up. 

“Don't give me that look,” Eren tried to laugh, but all that came out was a wheezing noise, something like a cough. “Keep living your life, alright? You'll make it out of this mess, I know you will. Get your nice apartment, your two kids.” Eren stopped, interrupted by a coughing fit. “Always and forever, right, my handsome husband..? I'll be waiting for you at the end. You'll see me again soon. Just, – not now. Later. You have to keep pushing.”

“I don't know, babe, I really don't know if I can.. But I'll try. For you, I'll try.” Jean caressed Eren's cheek with the back of his hand. The brunette's skin was no longer its tan, healthy color. It was turning sickly pale.

“I can't hold on much longer, Jean. . ” Eren coughed again, his chest rising and falling violently with the single action. The edges of his vision were going black – he didn't want it to end just yet. _Oh god, no.. I'm too young._ He had a bright future ahead of him, with Jean, and now, within a few more moments, Eren would be unable to see Jean's face anymore. 

Jean knew what he had to do. It was easier said than done, aim for the head and pull the trigger. Sure, that's what they'd – the government – instructed everyone to do, but did they mention the burden that came along with it? The pain that came along with killing a loved one? He hastily wiped his tears, sliding his revolver out from the holster on his belt. “Eren, I –”

“Come here.”

Jean leaned down. 

Eren gave his boyfriend one final, parting kiss. “I love you.. Be brave.” His breathing slowed, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. 

“I love you too.” Jean waited and waited for a response, but there was none. Eren was gone. Passed away in his arms. In a sense, to go out in that way was somewhat peaceful. At least, Eren made it seem peaceful. Jean, however, knew that Eren was good at masking his pain. The kid had been through a lot. He knew how to take it like a true champ. “I'm.. I'm sorry..”

_Aim for the head and pull the trigger._

_Aim for the head and pull the trigger._

_Aim for the head and pull the trigger._

Jean's hands shook. He wasn't strong, but he had to be now. For Eren. _For Eren, the love of my life, my everything, my gorgeous, brave husband,_ he repeated to himself. 

He aimed and pulled the trigger.


End file.
